The Jack Move Guide to Rock Music
By Daniel L. Werneck
Back in the long-lost days of pre-MTV music, people actually had the time to read music magazines, listen to the radio, talk to each other about music, and listen to lots of new bands in order to find the ones they liked the most. Sadly, the 21st century leaves no time for such musings, and the overflow of art and culture that invades our senses demands lightning-fast judgment of whether or not a rock band will do it for you.
To save you time and money, Jack Move kindly offers this practical tutorial, a self-help guide to new rock bands. And so, without further ado…ladies and gentlemen, please welcome…
The Jack Move Guide to Rock Music
YOU KNOW A BAND ROCKS WHEN:
- You buy tickets wondering whether the band will make it through the entire set this time.
- The drummer is wearing a Ramones, Sonics or Clash t-shirt.
- There are more men than women at the show, but most of the women are really interesting (natural beauty + smart conversation).
- You’ve yet to see anyone wearing a t-shirt with the band’s logo on it.
- Shit, that band doesn’t even HAVE a logo!
- The club sets up wire mesh in front of the stage to protect the audience from the band.
- The only time you saw one of their videos on MTV, it was 4:30 in the morning and you were lying in a motel bed, smoking a joint with a prostitute.
- The band broke up before releasing a proper album, because they fought all the fucking time.
- At least one of the band members died of an overdose, in a tour bus accident, by his own hand, or by drowning in his own vomit. (Alcohol abuse counts as overdose. Accidents caused by drug abuse counts as suicide. Multiply the points per member dead. Add extra points for every prostitute and stripper who witnessed the death.)
- The band name begins with “The”.
YOU KNOW A BAND SUCKS WHEN:
- The drummer’s shirt features a band with a virtuoso drummer, like Rush, Dream Theater or Yes.
- They have 5 singers and no drummer.
- Two or more of the band members are younger than you.
- The band members make decisions concerning their career and music based on opinions of people outside of the band, like managers, girlfriends, journalists and parents.
- They dedicate their album to God and their parents.
- Your kids like them.
- They buy other peoples’ songs and pretend to have written them; their most famous song is a sugared-down cover of a 1960s obscure hit. (bands like Led Zeppelin and the Beatles never bought other peoples’ songs–they just kidnapped them and released the hostages after the ransom money was delivered)
- The band is basically some guy and a lot of people he hired.
- None of their songs need to be censored for radio airplay.
- The band members die of old age.
We are pleased to have provided you with this friendly public service announcement. Please contact us with any questions, stay safe, and look out for posers.
Artwork by Daniel Werneck. All rights reserved.
Daniel Werneck is a Brazilian artist. His area of expertise is animation and film, but he also flirts with illustration, print making, painting and sculpting. He works from noon to midnight as professor at a public university, and from midnight until he passes out on the office floor he creates comics and writes fiction. He is also a sloppy drummer, a terrible guitar player, a tone deaf singer, a lazy cook, a limited cocktail mixer, a mild-mannered husband and an amateur father. Follow him: @empire_of_dust.